Now You're a Man

Smart lives with his 87-year old grandmother. He's pretty much responsible for her continued existence. In response to, "How are you?" she will reply, "Well, I'm alive again today." As a result, Smart is not the most upbeat person.

He came over to do his resume last night, but we ended up getting drunk so the endeavor kind of fizzled. Particularly since it was agreed upon that nothing be emailed while in such a state and that we each must stop the other from thinking it was a good idea.

I have a list -- a mental list -- of the things I do not do when inebriated. It's not officially notarized; it's just something I like referring back to. I may, in fact, be capable of doing many of the activities on my no-no list and I frequently believe that I can, but, the point is, sober me feels that I shouldn't. So I don't.

Sober me does not want drunk me using the stove. That's a pretty basic restriction and can really be used as a foundation for anyone's list. From there, you can also conclude that exposure to fire or an open heat source should also be limited. Nor should you engage in any activities which require precise timing. Perhaps even the microwave should be avoided (that one has not yet made the list, though).

Wasted me does not shower. Standing naked on a slick surface is just asking for trouble. Baths are all right so long as I exit the tub in a tried and true fashion and not with some never-before-attempted roll-out maneuver. Which I think about doing. But won't, as per sober me's request.

The list goes on. It mostly catalogues seemingly mundane activities that I reckon people generally don't think about unless they are highly paranoid, such as where to cross the street and what length of sleeves to wear. I think the biggest and most vulgar thing on the list is this:

Nothing goes in my vagina while wasted. Nothing. Not even a tampon. I don't care how good of an idea it may seem; nothing and no one gets near that area.

Seriously. More women should adopt this philosophy. I bet it would help them avoid a lot of unpleasantness later on.

And no computer repair. That's a major one as well. That's actually number two on my list (if I had an official list with a ranking system, that is).

I registered with a temp agency. On Monday, I start a week-long placement cataloguing core samples for a diamond company. I had to buy steel-toe boots today.