Ten Years in Your Twenties is Too Damn Long

So my mother will arrive in Alberta in about 12 hours. This was not a planned trip. My brother decided to get drunk, "become abusive" (which I assume means he beat the hell out of his girlfriend), and then down a bottle of his girlfriend's epilepsy medication. Good job, bro.

I do feel badly for my brother. If I didn't live so close to my parents, I would have probably killed myself a while ago instead of just constantly thinking about it and testing the depth to which I can jam a blade before having second thoughts. I'm tragic and emo! Fuck yeah!

So, yes, I am concerned about my brother in a deeply sympathetic way. Mostly, though, I feel badly for my mom and am worried about her more than anyone else in this situation. She cried when she found out I got fired. I'll be impressed if her brain doesn't start oozing out of her ears over my brother's actions.

Plus, I lost my job only two weeks ago (December 6), am on anti-depressants, and unthinkingly mentioned to her my thoughts of suicide. And then my brother goes and does this. Not only will she now be hyper-sensitive to any and all aspects of my behaviour, but I'm worried that she'll feel as though she did a horrible job as a mother. That she made mistakes in raising us. Which she didn't. I have no complaints about how I was raised. I never felt unloved. Ever. She has always been supportive and available. Particularly with my brother. So it's not her fault. There are multiple causes to this.

My dad's side of the family has a history of suicidal behaviour. There must be some genetics involved.

I wonder if my dad knows about this. My mom only found out two hours ago. Her boyfriend called me shortly after dropping her off at the airport. I don't know if he would call my dad. Hm. I guess I'll find out later.

My brother's not dead, by the way (at least no one said he was). I probably should have mentioned that earlier. It sounds as though he made the attempt with his girlfriend present. He was fighting off the paramedics when they arrived. He was gotten to early. It was a classic cry for help. Hopefully, that'll happen and he'll come back home to Ontario.

I'm going out with Smart and Tron tonight. To drink and be merry. That was the plan before I found out about my brother. I haven't seen Smart or Tron since the day I was fired. I miss them. I want to be with them. I want to maintain these relationships so that I can have some constant in my life. Some solid bit that I can look forward to and rely on.

Being in your twenties just kind of sucks.