Even Eye-Shadow

Hm. I showered, prettied myself up, and cleaned my apartment for nothing again. It's getting harder and harder to pretend that I put no importance on our casual get-togethers and have no interest in the evolution of this relationship. I'm thisclose to acknowledging having a desire beyond the fulfillment of biological requirements. I'm not there yet, though.

We're going to meet up tomorrow instead. Possibly. We'll see. I'll pretend today was just a practice run and that I wasn't horribly disappointed.

I think I'm supposed to be feeling abandoned and traumatized since I will be spending Christmas alone this year, my parents being out in Alberta with my brother who "tried to kill himself" the other day. I've been researching suicide for months. Based on the circumstances, it was not a serious attempt. This was a cry for help because god knows he has never been considerate or mature enough to face and deal with his problems on his own.

But I don't feel abandoned. It's such a clich�, the newly-unemployed twenty-something, alone on Christmas, alienated from her peers, and unwilling to learn how to cook anything beyond soup. I have never put importance on particular dates in that I should believe there is a standard series of events that should occur. Oh, it's Christmas! That means we do this and then this! Oh, it's our one year anniversary! So we have to do this and then this! Doing otherwise means the day is a complete failure! Which means you are a failure! These are the standards put forth by others! Adhere to them!

No. I'm looking forward to watching TV, actually. I have never spent Christmas day watching television. I'm curious as to what kind of programming is on.

Okay, that does look a little sad in text, but I assure you: it's cool.

As for the situation with my brother, I'm generally trying to ignore it. I'm not ignoring my feelings -- hardly. I am acutely aware of how I feel about this (I've never liked my brother; he�s selfish and manipulative and largely deserving on his misery; and I'm resentful that his impulsive act has overshadowed my serious need for support and attention right now). I am also acutely aware that my feelings on the matter can never be shared with anyone else, particularly not my parents. It would only cause additional stress. They would not understand any of it, anyway, and I will be considered a heartless bitch. For the sake of everyone else's comfort, there is no sense in thinking about it any further. Nothing will change.

I know how my brother operates and I know that he has no qualms about taking advantage of my mother, capitalizing on her kind nature and willingness to supply her children with whatever they need, even if it only creates a greater dependency. My mom's boyfriend is at least aware of this aspect of my brother's personality so I'm letting him deal with it. I'm done. I've been playing defense since I was 10 and am through with protecting my mom from my brother. I know it will happen again (my brother's coming back to town) and it is that eventuality that bothers me the most. So I'm ignoring it. If my brother chooses to remain an immature alcoholic as he has been since 18, and if my mother chooses to continue to coddle him so that he never has to make any real decisions on his own, that's their prerogative. I'm out. Everyone is on their own.

Including me. And it's better this way. Trust me.